


to own a susan of my own (is of itself a bliss)

by sorryforthedead



Category: Dickinson (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, I love both Austin and Sue okay, post 2x10, that's my only explanation for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 10:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30104391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorryforthedead/pseuds/sorryforthedead
Summary: Austin’s head hangs low, his eyes gazing into his coffee. He stares almost listlessly, and Sue knows it’s her fault. Part of her feels bad, part of her feels an ache in her chest and tears in her eyes, but then she remembers where she’s been for the last two days. The solace of Emily’s arms had been more than worth this, no matter how much Austin didn’t deserve it. He was a good man. In another life, Sue thinks she could’ve loved him. She thinks they could’ve been happy. She wishes she could be happy with him, it would be so easy, but she knows it’s not possible, not when she’s warm with the memory of Emily.orSue and Austin talk.
Relationships: Austin Dickinson/Jane Humphrey, Austin Dickinson/Susan Gilbert Dickinson, Emily Dickinson/Susan Gilbert Dickinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 61





	to own a susan of my own (is of itself a bliss)

**Author's Note:**

> hey gang, I'm back! I finished Dickinson last night for the second time with my dear friend, Jules, so obviously I was inspired to write this. I also finished Open Me Carefully, and started it for the second time, so clearly Emily and Sue are the only thing on my mind. This fic is simply because I love Austin and Sue, and I would give anything for the two of them to be able to happy, because I think they were both super miserable in this season. Maybe we'll get something like this in the next season, I know I'd love to see it. Anyways, comments and kudos are always much appreciated!
> 
> The title comes from one of Emily's poems to Sue, which I found in Open Me Carefully. I do not own that poem or book, nor do I own Dickinson, its characters, or any of the plotlines mentioned.

Austin’s head hangs low, his eyes gazing into his coffee. He stares almost listlessly, and Sue knows it’s her fault. Part of her feels bad, part of her feels an ache in her chest and tears in her eyes, but then she remembers where she’s been for the last two days. The solace of Emily’s arms had been more than worth this, no matter how much Austin didn’t deserve it. He was a good man. In another life, Sue thinks she could’ve loved him. She thinks they could’ve been happy. She wishes she could be happy with him, it would be so _easy_ , but she knows it’s not possible, not when she’s warm with the memory of Emily. “Austin,” she speaks softly, hoping to catch his attention. 

He lets out a long sigh, not looking up from his coffee. Sue wishes she knew what to do. She can’t think of a way to make this right, not when everything was the way it was. There was no simple way that he could be happy, and that she could be happy. Especially not continuing on the path that they’ve been on the last little while. Sue was miserable, and she knows he had been too. “Where have you been?” Austin asks, his voice barely audible.

Sue figures he knows. He has to. It wasn’t the first time he’d been privy to their relationship, he’d been warned, and well, they weren’t always as secret as they should’ve been. But she’ll tell him, he deserves her honesty. First though, she sits across from him at their table, directing her eyes towards him. She wants to look at him when she tells him the truth. He deserves that much. Straightforward honesty, no lies, no matter how much this hurt them all in the end. “I was with Emily,” she states.

Meeting her eyes, Sue can see the pain in them. It makes her long for an alternate universe where she doesn’t have to hurt him like this. But she knows that it’s necessary, because Sue would do anything to be with Emily, and this is just one of those conditions. Breaking Austin’s heart. “For two days?” he says, incredulousness obvious in his voice.

Two perfect days. For two, wonderful, perfect, absolutely fantastic days, Sue had thought of nothing but Emily. Every sense had been filled with Emily, every waking moment, and Sue knows it was the best two days of her fucking miserable life. She wants everyday to be like that. “Yeah, uh,” Sue says, pausing to think through her thoughts, begging her writer’s mind to create a delicate way to usher them into this conversation, “we made up.”

Austin barks out a dry, humourless laugh, turning his head away from Sue. “Obviously,” he says, and it stings just a bit.

Sue doesn’t know what else to say, but he doesn’t give her the chance to speak. “I am your husband, Sue,” he says, letting out another sad, exasperated sigh, “you can’t just leave me without a word for two whole days. That’s not what a marriage is, god.”

She can’t help but think this hasn’t been a real marriage in a long time, that she’s been busy with Emily and Sam and the poems since long before they wed, and well, he’d aired his frustrations by turning to Jane. They both had moved on, in a way, while still clinging onto whatever this was. “I know,” Sue says, for civility more than anything, she’s not sure how they can save this marriage, no matter what she says.

“People ask, Sue,” he says, his voice tight with pain, “they ask me where my wife is, and I have no answer, because she’s off gallivanting with my sister. We can’t live like this.”

“I know,” she says, and it feels extremely redundant, but what else is there to say? 

She can’t say she’s sorry, she doesn’t regret her actions. She can’t say she’ll stop seeing Emily, because that is simply not an option. She had promised Emily that she would never let go of her again, and the promise was as much for Sue as it was for her. She couldn’t let go of what they had, it was the only thing that made her feel _anything_. It had been hard enough to leave Emily earlier, with the promise of kisses and cuddles upon her return, she can’t imagine leaving Emily with the intent to never come back. She can’t. She won’t. 

If she’s being honest with herself too, she finds it hard to care about what Amherst thinks of her and Austin’s marriage. Less than a few months ago, she would’ve been near insane over the idea of a less than perfect public image, but now, knowing what she knows, experiencing what she’s experienced with Emily? It doesn’t matter at all. Others’ views on her meant nothing, not when Emily was writing poem after poem about how much she loves Sue. Emily’s opinion was the only one she cared for.

Sue turns her attention back to Austin then, just as he nervously runs his hands through his messy hair. Sometimes she wonders if he regrets marrying her. In moments like these, when his stress is evident, when his pain is paramount, Sue wouldn’t blame him. Their marriage had caused more hurt than it was worth, for the both of them. He meets her eyes then, and there’s still an underlying softness, still a deep care, and it hurts, it truly does. “Is there anything we can do to fix this?” he asks, desperation soaking in every word, “how can we make this right?”

Once again, Sue can feel the tears burning in her eyes. This situation was so unfair. “I’m not happy,” she says, because it’s all she can think to say, the only criticism she can properly format. 

Anger flickers in Austin’s eyes, “But you’re happy with _her_?” 

The _her_ in question is obvious. Emily. Austin knows she’s been the cause of stress in their entire relationship. He’d never been as oblivious as he seemed, Sue knew that.

She looks at him, trying to blink away tears, “I…” her voice breaks, “Austin, I love her.”

It’s the first time she’s spoken those words to anyone other than Emily, and she gets exactly the response she was expecting. He stares at her for a moment longer, emotion murky in his deep brown eyes, before he squeezes them shut, burying his face in his hands.

There’s silence for a long moment, no words from either of them, just the soft sound of their breathing, and the tension thick in the air. Finally, Austin raises his head, meeting her eyes. “I know,” he says, sounding _so_ defeated, “I’ve always known. Frankly I think practically everyone knows.”

Sue can’t help but laugh. She knows her love is more obvious that she’d sometimes like it to be, and Emily wears her emotions on her sleeve. It was incredibly obvious to anyone even paying the slightest bit of attention. Sue knew others knew, she’d heard the rumours, she hadn’t put a stop to them. He laughs with her, and it’s like a window is opened, letting out the fierce anger, the deep tension, letting them breathe again.

They laugh for a long time, probably too long, it wasn’t that funny really, especially given the severity of the situation, but they can’t seem to stop. They always had enjoyed each other’s company before, and Austin had always made her laugh. 

Finally, he composes himself, and he reaches his hand across the table to take hers, his fingers running over her wedding ring. “She loves you too, you know,” he says, and even though Sue knows, she can’t deny that it’s nice to hear from someone else.

She nods, pulling his hand into hers more properly, giving him a soft squeeze. They say nothing, until, “I would never ask you to leave her,” he says, clearly sincere, “especially not when she makes you happier than I’ve ever seen you. You look so light Sue, like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. I’ve never made you feel that way.”

“Sometimes I wish you did,” she says, a wistful sigh escaping her lips, “it would be so much easier that way.”  
  
Austin laughs again. “Yeah, it would be,” he says, “but you don’t choose who you love, I know that.”   
  
The look in his eyes tells Sue he’s thinking about someone in particular, and she squeezes his hand, urging for him to speak further. He smiles at her. “Jane and I, uh, we’ve gotten closer.” 

Sue smirks at him, “You think I’m obvious?”

He shakes his head at her, playfully rolling his eyes as he laughs. “Fine, you’re probably right,” he says, his face getting more serious, “I really like her, if I’m being honest, and I haven’t known what to do about it. You’re not supposed to like other people when you’re married.”

“You’re telling me,” she says, teasing him, while not breaking from the serious tone of the conversation, “I know things aren’t perfect, but maybe we can work this out. Maybe you can be with Jane, and I can be with Emily, and we can stay married for the appearances. I don’t know how it’ll work out, but I love you Austin, and even if it’s not in the way you’re supposed to love your husband, I want you to be happy. I want us both to be.”

He nods, squeezing their joint hands. “I love you too,” he says, “we can figure this out, together.”

“Together,” she echoes, and she can’t help but think this conversation has gone a million times better than she had ever expected.

Austin lets go of her hand, standing from the table. “Well, I imagine my sister is waiting for you.”

“She is,” Sue confirms.

“You know she doesn’t tend to be patient with the things she wants, you better go.”  
Sue nods, feeling somehow lighter, somehow happier. “Thank you Austin, I’m really glad we talked about this.”

“Me too,” he says, giving her a happy toothy smile, “tell Emily I said hi.”

Sue promises she will, and then turns on her foot, and exits her home. She was more than eager to return to her girl, even if her conversation with Austin had gone well. Being in Emily’s arms would just be a further comfort. 

Everything may not be perfect. She may be in essentially a sham of a marriage with messy affairs on both sides, but they were going to be happy. They were going to work this out together, and no matter how hard it is, it will be more than worth it, because Sue gets to love Emily.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, kudos and comments are much appreciated, and hopefully I'll see you again soon! if you wanna hit me up to talk about dickinson, or any of my other interests, feel free to message me on tumblr, sorryforthedead!


End file.
